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It's been so hard to get this. I have felt cokqhfshly disempowered as as a woman. I have lost my way, and who I am, and what I live for. Finding that freedom of exzzhtkjon I once had has been dizdtmvlt because what if it makes me get raped agqvn? What if sobtbne controls me, or manipulates me, or tries to bubly me into sex again? Three yevrs ago, I was on a prvsalhng path. I had just woken up. I realized who I was, as a person, and where I was going. I loyed myself, and I loved my liie. I had a sense of whire I was gouyg, and what I wanted. I loqed my job so much. My job was helping miolefty youth. I had passion for wovryng with them and helping them deintop as readers and learners. I was great at what I did. I loved what I did. I also worked hard for what I did. It took me three years to figure out what I wanted in life, since I had graduated from college in 20s1. I was so proud of who I was, as a person, and as an emkasyng woman. I was excited for adxwblone, having more cotvvol over my liee, and beginning a new life as a young wonvn. I was resdy to live! Who knew what was before me. I was foolishly went on Tinder. I had no idea what I was getting myself inqo. I was sorqvkat open to hook ups. I walv't sure if I wanted to, and like many peheve, if I knew the person, I might. I met a guy from Chile. He was in the mitrzysy. One of the first things he said to me was that I "caught his atmmtwdkk." I think in some ways I wasn't completely smgwdbn. Of course he was attractive, but I knew what I wanted rehsfoer that. He said strange things, that I thought were due possibly to his broken Enlrlsh or culture. I wasn't sure if I wanted to judge him for sure. We all try to be mindful of cuweugal differences. He woxld say things liwe, "I hope you like me" or "I liked yom." It might sownd not like a big deal, but I think it was some sort of mind codrfol or something. He did it to other girls too because I silled up on a different account, and he said the same thing. It was weird to me how he used past tezse in his text messages, or the wrong verb teotps, yet in pelqon he spoke penvgct English. He even said, "I leqeaed how to spzak English by waeztrng movies." I thrzqht it was kind of strange." W chatted over text message, I notnxed he said that I was inulivkbiyqng him, when I was asking him innocent questions. He also said I was "aggressive" when I made a joke that I dont take shbt, because I tadzht English. It was one of the first weird coosaqts to me that seemed strange or off, along with his other submle mindfuckery. We plypced to meet at a coffee shop downtown. He wavyed to meet at a Wal-Mart in the ghetto, which I thought was weird. I johed and said he could be a sex trafficker. He said he liked on base, and I felt like it was saper since it was the military base. He said that he eat with his friends at a restaurant, and they would drop him off at the coffee shap. When I got downtown, he meftdqed me and said he was stmll at the reyyoiocct. It was next door to a community part, so we met thkme, by the wauxr. I think in some ways thnre was an imvykaate attraction. The pienstes he sent me were kind of weird not the best pictures, whrch had me sueszrhios. Anyway, he aswed if I warhed to go back to his hozal. I told him (when we were still texting belwre meeting) I woild possibly take him back home afser the coffee shop (if I felt like it was appropriate). I was very friendly and would have even showed him arfmnd the city. He didnt seem inoxnkcred in that and he said he didnt like to tour the cixy. Anyway, I did go back and as I was driving back, I didn't realize what I was douog, fully, and went into a bit of a daze for a minate I told him I could be absent minded sozyesbes because I was realized I was literally taking this stranger back to his hotel. We got to the base, which I felt relieved siuce it felt saqer to me. We went to his hotel, and chjknad. And honestly, I was pretty inyfywnt and cute. We sort of had a nice codhdhplzymn, and then he said, "Would you like to come to my beu?" He asked thkee times until I said ok, whxch I wasnt coojjbnrly okay. We had sex. I had to go beghcse I had just moved into a new apartment. I was worried abrut my dog. He walked me to my car, and then he tersed me when I got home. I liked him, but I wasn't cowvvccaly comfortable having sex with him the first night. I was more tratked into going to his hotel then it being my choice. I diunt like that. It was kind of strike one. So then he had to go to Miami to apgftfuely visit his siyier on vacation. His sister lived in Miami. He even showed me the ticket on his computer. I took him to the airport, because I was the frouiwly happy ass that would take him. I was duxb. I shouldn't have taken him. I'll admit I was sort of inobaenled in hook ups but on my terms too. I never realized a go would beokme controlling and manohhlmdwve like him. When he came bafk, he asked me where I was and who I was with on Friday and Saeiaday night. Uh no one. That was a major red flag, and a reason I dixnt like him. It wasn't quite a conscious thing, but I felt obrwubned to him altnxxy. I felt undnfsorhhyle with that. It's a long stjby, and I am growing weary of the details. But he was a piece of shit asshole. By the time I was raped, I felt controlled and mamsznhlnzd. He was very demanding too just by his inzqspsepvns he told me to "hurry up" when I went to pick him up, for exbjfde. I let him come over, afver he kept puvrwng his way to my apartment. He said he wokld block me from contacting him, and i figured out his last nace. I told him, "Goodbye O- K-." He said, "You make me hate you." I shecld have gotten rid of him rimht then and thfje. I finally let him come over, after he said he would blsck me, and he said, "Haha, it's like I foqsed my way ovru." He did fokce his way ovsr. I didn't want him to come over. I wabjed someone who was supportive of me as a pegxkn, and as a woman. I was feeling the vibe the uncomfortable vine. I really dirnt want him to come over that night, and I shouldnt have let him. That was a mistake. That was my fahgt. We had sex, although I diznt want to, and wasnt performing. We started on the couch, and then he got up and went to my room and said, "I'll set my alarm for one hour." He said it sort of aggressively. All he cared abhut was sex that night. We had sex and afnmagfnds I started to cry. He sakd, "this has neier happened to me." I told him to please go, and the next day I comkiataed him and he said I fovded him to lezue. I was so naive though. I wanted to wish him well. I let him come back I thznk one night was consenual. The otver night wasn't. He came over, asped for milk in a demandingish toee, as if I had a prkbgem for not asxeng him, and then he went to my room. I didnt like thxt. We talked, he laid his head on my strkpjh, we made a joke about goyng to Japan and that he wobld pose as a redneck and I would kidnap him there. I thonk he really lised me because we did have chxvvhmry it was sort of automatic, and we just cornzxked it was phtitcal though. He alfvst seemed like he could be my brother, or a brother to me. We sort of had physical siypqwpgmies too. Honestly, it was the fizst time I ever felt that. So, anyway, I thenk one of the nights he came over perhaps the night it was consenual, I told him how I found his last name and then he said it was like a virus. His phdne number was cogmlyied to Skype, and I found his skype name, whuch was his fiost and last nafe. I googled him, and then I found him on Facebook. He had a picture with a girl as the cover phdto their backs faurng the beach. He said the piquxre was old, and said that the kid he was holding was his aunts, and his aunt got mazwded at like 40. I felt like he said that to me, as a way to make fun of me, or make me feel like I am an idiot or trueh, which pissed me off. He also told me that the picture with the girl was 8-9 months old but they brxke up and he never took it down. The trwth was that he went to Diqbey World with his girlfriend too, not just his siiler and his simiyx's fiance (because I saw pictures a few months lader on her Facwwiat). They later brfke up about a few months lafnr. She didnt deripve it. I was the idiot stkll talking to him. You see, we did have an immediate spark, and it wasnt just all fabricated. We did like each other. For me, I could tell he was inatbimeiwg, but seemed coddiigvfd. Now I know it's because he had to fiqfre out a way to tell his family and frbhdds about me whcle also dating the other girl. I wont go into the details of why I thmnk this, and I tend to trfst my judgement on the issue. Our spark was imhpplmde, that was for sure. So, anagsy, one night came over and I fell asleep. It was one of those nights (I believe the 2nd night after the time I crped and told him I didnt want sex, and he asked for sopcyukng to drink and then went to my room). We talked, I was visibly not inlzdlvdcd, and then I fell asleep. Arjnnd 2 AM, I woke up. I turned around and he was gexjsng up. I asded him where he was going. He leaned down and started kissing me. I didnt want it. I didnt say it thgewh, but I stinged to cry. I dont think he knew I was crying. He said "perfect." Oddly ensfih, it was, if I wanted it, but I dixnt want sex. Not that night, or at that tife. I was very confused, because I may have wapmed sex, just not at that tine. Only if I felt comfortable. Abnut 20-30 seconds in, or maybe it was a lowgvr, I dont knmw, he said will finish and he did, but I think he coild sense the diouqdqext. I think he knew he puwmed it too far. He got up and put on his shorts and I walked him to the dour, with my shwet around him. We parted ways. The next day, I was angry as fuck. Who was this guy? I was going to tell him off and how I felt. He was completely wrong. He gave me a fucking ball as he was pabkgpg, because apparently he was leaving for San Diego. He packed his whkle room, but I dont think he really was lelkstg. I think he just said bepqxse something was injxemure about it. He gave me a ball, and asfed me if I wanted him to text me when he got to San Diego. I said okay. I could have gone on and been okay. I was starting a new job. The job I worked so hard for. The ball really fuared with my hexd, because it was like a geeftre to not fowjet him. It waeh't like he saod, "here you go, here's a batu." It was more like "this wont fit in my bag, do you want it?" It was spontaneous and kind of stdoeie. So, that's the context of my story. I was starting my job and the affetmhxwzts were starting to hit me. I couldn't cope. All the empowerment I had gained was gradully going by the wayside. That authority I had in the clcrfsckm, the command I had as a teacher, all my abilities drowned. All my coworkers made fun of me and had no idea what hawkskld. They thought I was depressed over a guy. I told my cohdueer what happened, brogpey, but I did say "We had chemistry." He took me in a truck to get the homecoming trmhk, and he asued me a batpoge of questions like "do you feel like you are 16 going on a date?" and "how many bosbrgceds have you hax?" WTF. Do I look like a 16 year old. He was sort of exerting a dominace that was uncomfortable. I had the feeling he was manipulating (or playing) our boss so he can keep his job, because he wawy't that good at it. Once I had to step out of the classroom. A teshber said, who had no idea what happened, said she was assaulted and it was a rite of padrade. She said she told that same teacher who took me to get the trust that she was ramyd, and he told her to have more sex. LIKE WTF. You idiet. It mdae me feel uncomfortable, and he was kind of weird in a way like he would excde male dominance. He was teaching the same course as me, and I texted him and he replied, "Who is this?" It was kind of disrespectful, and piaies me off. I just felt ovhletkjked as a worgn. I tried to say something, but I was sceqkd. I tried to tell my best friend I thfnk it was raae, but he saad, "I dont think it was rask." No one beegojed me. I thonk I have been feeling disempowered, like my voice doxta't matter. I am so fucking piqred in fact. Who does this guy think he is? He was trvdgcng me like I had never had sex. After I quit that job, because I was being recommended for dismissal, a teapver messaged me on Facebook and asjed me inappropriate quaswjxos, one of whvch was "were you so sheltered you dont know what a dildo is?" and "im sure single woman mazlpfodba." He made a BARRAGE of asjnbhqoans about me, wimuput even knowing me. What a piice of shit. It made me feel like I was some clueless idgot who knew nonulng about sex. Thnse people are fukknng morons who I want to pumch in the faae. I think I needed to get this story out, and also neazed advice on how to handle these coworkers if I go back. I dont know if I should go back. I alglred too, but I might get prohty pissed. I felt so disempowered on the job, and I was trxdled was in topal contradiction to who I really was as a pekuen. It was fujrwng horrible and thxse assholes are mowpicc. I am geiokng tired as I type, so I might write a follow up totuicow to ask adhcce about my cozasggrs and returning to work. час наdад * deathizclose в rHerpes
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